Monday, November 22, 2010

Living in fear of the synth

Confession: I really like the synth. For me, it doesn't get much better than the 2:05 mark on Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It?"

However, there is one time of year when I live in fear of the synth. And that time is nigh, my friends. Radio stations in Pittsburgh have already started incorporating Christmas music into their rotations (some exclusively, God help us all). This means one thing: at any given moment, my ears could be assaulted with the sound of my synth nightmare... "Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney... aka Sir Paul McHatesMe.


Click at your own risk.


This song. THIS SONG. I can't come up with the words that would accurately convey to you the way the first few notes of that song make my insides recoil in disgust. I am sure there was a time when this song did not cause such a visceral reaction--but that was a very long time ago. That was before I spent three holiday seasons working retail at Toys "R" Us, where they assault their employees and customers with the same dozen "upbeat" Christmas tunes nonstop. I believe I speak for everyone, frazzled employees and disgruntled customers alike, when I say:

Go to hell, Geoffrey.


After hearing "Wonderful Christmas Time" approximately 1.47 million times throughout my collective three months at Toys "R" Us, I could frankly stab a unicorn if I have to hear that song one more time. This is why those opening synth notes are a signal to my brain to SWITCH THE STATION! TURN OFF THE RADIO! RAM THE CAR INTO THE ONCOMING SEMI! ANYTHING TO MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

And don't worry, if I happen to be unlucky enough to hear this song while doing holiday gift shopping at the mall, I have an emergency plan in tact. It involves carrying a fog horn and very discrete cymbals...


... not unlike this little fella's...


The catch is, of course, you have to be willing to be escorted from the mall by a very huffy security guard, who has already had to stop eight goth teenagers from trying to cram HotTopic's body jewelry and Twilight paraphernalia down their skinny jeans... and that was only 45 minutes into the poor guy's shift.

I think we all have Christmas songs that rub us the wrong way. For example, my mother-in-law loves Christmas music more than any other person on this planet. I'm not sure how she feels about "Wonderful Christmas Time." However, I am VERY SURE that she hates "Christmas Shoes" with the intensity of a thousand suns. But really, who doesn't? And why is that boy so dirty? ("... his clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe...") It just doesn't add up. (Side note: Andrew, being the sweet son that he is, suggested that he and his mother dance to "Christmas Shoes" as their mother-son dance at our wedding. Not sure why she didn't go for it...)

So tell me, which songs make you want to risk being banned for life from The Gap?

11 comments:

sarah marie p said...

I too have heard the opening notes of "Wonderful Christmas Time" 10 million billion times thanks to my time working at The Gap during the holiday season. Yikes bikes! I had forgotten about that tune! That being said, I still have to agree with your mother-in-law and say that "Christmas Shoes" is still the worst Christmas song of ALL TIME! Awful, just awful.

Kate.Showalter said...

I could do without Alvin's "Hula Hoop"(even though I love hula hoops), "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" and "Dominick The Donkey."

Mermanda said...

Kate, I actually LOVE the Hippopotamus song. I'm actually really sad because I haven't heard them play it on the radio for the past two Christmas seasons. ;)

Hillary said...

Every Christmas song ever. I will make an exception for "Baby It's Cold Outside" but only if it's the version sung by Willie Nelson and Norah Jones.

Mermanda said...

Hillary, glad to see you making an exception for the most famous date rape song. ;)

Sarah said...

Jon's mom HATES "wonderful christmas time" as well. I for one hate little drummer boy. I'll give him a parumpapumpum right in the kisser!!

LizSara said...

I hate all Christmas songs but synth ones are the worst//

Meghan said...

I worked at Border's for three straight Christmases. It was really bad, because the CD player could only fit 6 CDs at a time -- so it was on repeat for the whole day. Since Christmas albums are shorter than regular albums, you got to hear each song twice as much as you regularly would during a regular eight hour shift.

It was terrible.

P.S. Wonderful Christmas Time:You::The Chipmunks Christmas:Me

Anna Gail said...

I personally cannot stand frosty the snowman. My dad plays the acoustic guitar and he played this so many times last year I wanted to melt frosty.

Caitie said...

Though not Christmas...'Sunglasses at Night' by Corey Hart. Every time I hear it come on the radio I exclaim 'I HATE THIS SONG!' before violently switching the dial. Every time.

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