Me: Ray LaMontagne is coming to Pittsburgh!!! We have to go!
Andrew: Dammit! You weren't supposed to know that! Now what am I supposed to get you for Valentine's Day?
Me: You sure as hell still better buy me those tickets, you idiot!
(We love each other.)
I received this e-mail from him this morning:
Subject: GAHHHHH BAH GRRRRRRRR!
I'M SO [BLEEP] MADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
The Ray Lamontagne tickets were supposed to go on sale tomorrow at 10 [BLEEP] A.M. so I went to the theater's site today to make sure that they were going to be up tomorrow and everything and I discovered that THEY HAVE ALREADY BEEN ON SALE SOMEHOW. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MADDER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Every single goddamn seat that is good seems to be sold already. I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THEIR FACE! [BLEEP]! AND THEN! AND THENNNNNNNNN! I TRIED TO PURCHASE WHAT SEEMED LIKE DECENT SEATS IN THE BALCONY, BUT THEY HAVE LITTLE STUPID ROWS OF 3!!!! 3! WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS A ROW OF THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????? YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO BUY ONLY TWO TICKETS IN THE ROWS OF 3 BECAUSE THAT LEAVES ONLY ONE SEAT LEFT FOR SOME ASSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOLLLLLLE. AMANDA I'M GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE. MUR-DER THEM!
Tell me what you want me to do. There are seats available in the LOGE section, which is theater code for [BLEEP] [BLEEP] SEATS. They are all the [BLEEP] way back on the floor like pretty much in the [BLEEP] LOBBBBBY. THERE ARE ALSO some seats open in the balcony or other terrible places. [BLEEP] A. I'm really sorry about this, I was so [BLEEP] EXCITED to get you amazing seats up by the stage. I had the [BLEEP] THING bookmarked and an email reminder set so I would be the first person to buy them tomorrow morning. I HATE MYSELF. And I HATE THE PALACE THEATER.
The way I see it there are two options:
1. Buy shitty tickets and boo really loudly the whole time we're there.
2. Kill someone.
3. Kill everyone.
P.S. Please disregard this email. In my rage I purchased us two balcony seats that I believe will not be too terrible. If they are, I'm going to go down to the orchestra level and punch every single person sitting there IN THE FACE.
I love you! Happy Valentine's Day.