Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I think Santa finally lost his marbles

You know how bloggers are taking their time to thoughtfully prepare gift guides for the holidays? Well, I'm not one of them. Instead, I want to show you some of the biggest wastes of money I have ever laid my eyes upon--all found in the newest Bed Bath and Beyond "1001 Best Gifts and Beyond" circular.


First, we have the Wallet Pix: Carry up to 58 of your favorite photos wherever you go with this mini-digital photo album, which features a 128 x 128 crystal clear color display and is small enough to fit in your wallet, pocket or purse. $14.99

I find this extremely unnecessary, especially in the age of high tech mobile phones. If you really want to bore That Guy Sitting Next To You On The Airplane with photos of your kids' kids... wait until you land and quickly bust out your phone. He'll never see it coming.

The next completely idiotic gift idea that I have for you, is the Krups Beertender.



The Krups BeerTender®, for the ultimate at-home draught beer experience, was designed for the beer connoisseur with an aversion to reading the instruction manual. The, BeerTender® is simple to use and was designed to work exclusively with the Heineken® and Heineken Premium Light® Draught Kegs®.

Okay, so this thing is advertised in the Bed Bath and Beyond circular for $279.99. That price tag is the first problem. The second problem is that it only works with shitty beer... er... I mean Heineken. The third problem? It doesn't even come with beer? So you shelled out almost $300 and what do you have to show for it? This ugly thing that is sure to take up lots of precious counter space and dispense--at best-- a mediocre brew. No thanks, Santa. How bout you get me a six pack of Allagash and we'll call it even?

Next: Waring Pro® Wine Chiller. Chill and serve wines at their proper temperature with this professional wine chiller. Its attractive classic design with streamlined body enhances table presentation beautifully. The LCD backlit screen displays preprogrammed temperatures for 33 varieties of red, white and Champagne wines from the MCU library database. $99.99



Seriously? For just twice the price of this completely idiotic gift, you could buy a really nice wine cellar, which stores and cools 25 bottles of wine. I mean, if you want that bottle of red to be perfectly chilled for dinner? Throw it in the fridge for five minutes. Seriously. And it won't even set you back an entire Benjamin. Again, Santa? If you want to get me something nice, a case of Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's will be graciously accepted in lieu of this glorified electronic ice bucket.

Next: simplehuman® 14-Ounce Sensor Soap Dispenser: This cutting-edge soap dispenser from simplehuman® brings sleek style and modern technology to your home's functional products. This sensor dispenser automatically releases hand soap, dish soap or lotion and even has an indicator light that activates when soap is released. When the timer is activated, light blinks for 20 seconds to indicate when hands are clean. $39.99




For $40 a robot better actually wash my hands for me. A blinking light to tell me when my hands are clean? Just... go to hell, Santa.

Okay, I could go on, as I'm only on page 8 of this 24 page ad, but I just don't have the energy to continue.

I'm signing off this blog post with some words to the manufacturers of these asinine products: If you are trying to come up with gifts for "the people who have everything"--just stop. People Who Have Everything do not have room for useless crap in their homes. (Their Cool Stuff is taking up all the room. Duh.)

15 comments:

lfar said...

The first one is RIDIC. 58 photos? That's gotta be like 128 megabytes! Holy cats! I think it's meant for grandparents who don't can only work with technology if its monofunctional.

Alexa said...

who chills red wine?!

Sophia said...

haha wow...are you sure this isn't skymall? :) and yeah, who DOES chill red wine??

Mermanda said...

Okay, people who are questioning the chilling of red wine. Let me explain. I believe I read in Real Simple that though red wines should not be "chilled" you should throw them in the fridge for a few minutes before serving to get them up to "room temperature." The reason for this: we tend to keep our homes much warmer than people used to. This has an effect on red wine that makes it warmer than intended. To fix this, just put it in the fridge five minutes before serving.

Alicia said...

I got a similar "Wallet Pix" last year on a keychain. It was useless. Cash would have been a much better idea.

Jossie Posie said...

I love this! I'm the queen of buying random nonsense my purchases are usually of the gnome variety not high tech soap dispensers.

Steph said...

Walking through those stores is ALMOST as good as reading the Skymall magazine.. or that catalog that personalizing everything.. I forget the name but my mom used to get it lol.

Angela said...

There's no way in hell I'd ever buy an automatic soap dispenser. It looks more like a mini trash can.

sleepyjane said...

The sad part? People actually buys these things.

Lauren said...

Wow. Those products...are awesome.

Rachel said...

Dude those digital photo things are a god send for me. I was able to take care of all parents, grandparents and siblings by filling those things with Diana pictures. I basically consider pictures of Diana to be the best gift they could ever get.

Alexis M. said...

You are hilarious, I love walking through Bed, Bath and Beyond to amuse myself with all the useless gadgets they tend to have. It's amazing...

E Chuod said...

The greatest gifts are always found in the "as seen on TV" section. At the same time, the worst gifts are also found in the same place.

Jane said...

Not to be a nerd... But red wine is supposed to be served at "cellar temperature" which is around 68 degrees. I promise I'm not some sort of wine snob - I had to learn that in training for my job at a grocery store.

Agreed - the people who have everything usually don't need any more junk to clutter up their houses.

Renee said...

The beer tap thing kills me. Of course I'd love to be able to have draught beer whenever I want... but Heineken? EW.