Thursday, September 18, 2008
Let's Get Retarded: Andrew's blogging premiere on Cusp of Normal
Q. Is Amanda in Fact, a Retarded Person?
Hello, and welcome to Amanda’s blog. She wants me (Andrew) to write something here today because she is really lazy or busy or something. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
A recent internet search for “cusp of normal” returned several interesting results, none of which were this blog. I mean, it turned up, but I said interesting results, and this blog is mostly about shoes and who has the dumbest hair (it’s Amanda, trust me. Especially in the morning when she’s been sleeping with an old t-shirt wrapped around her head to keep aliens from intercepting her thoughts.) Getting back to the search results, my favorite is a documentary called “Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown,” which is about the trials and tribulations of a retarded couple named Marni and Kris. Here is a quote from the page selling the DVD: “People with mild retardation in some ways suffer more than those that are more impaired. They are on the cusp of normal, aware that they don't quite make the cut.” Ah, how true. Anyway, I lied when I said there were several interesting results. There is actually just that one. But, it got me thinking about Amanda, and while she does lots of strange things (LOTS, like a million times infinity) it had never occurred to me previously that she might perhaps be retarded. It reminds me of a similar situation that Michael found himself in during the final season of Arrested Development, but without all the clever writing or spectacular illusions performed to “The Final Countdown.” So I have compiled a list of evidence that I may be living with someone who is, in fact a Retarded Person.
1. She can’t understand out how to lock or unlock the door. Any door. With any key.
2. She doesn’t know how to light the stove. At first I thought this was just a cute ploy to get me to do all the cooking, but I have been horrified to realize that she honestly can’t figure it out and puts our house in danger of exploding anytime she attempts to simply boil water.
3. She’s really nice. To everyone. All the time. This wouldn’t be that suspicious, but it reminds me of an actual Retarded Person who is also a member of my family. And hey, the phrase “sweetly retarded” exists for a reason.
4. She makes a retarded-esque gurgling noise in her sleep. This, I hate.
5. She also sleeps with her socks under her pillow. I don’t know why, but that just seems retarded to me.
6. She likes salmon jerky. That stuff tastes so awful, only a Retarded Person would eat it. Or a bear, and they’ll eat anything. . . even a Retarded Person, for example.
7. She is incredibly good at video games. She has some kind of retarded memory that allows her to remember intricate levels from NES games that nobody has played since 1988. This is very irritating.
8. She has a retarded love of animals. She wanted a rabbit to come live with us. A-pee-poop-on-you-stinky-ass-rolls-in-its-own-pee-poop-
and-then-on-your-couch-after-peeing-poop-rabbit. And it wasn’t even Easter.
9. She loves karaoke. Okay, and who doesn’t, right? Not so fast. She loves it just as much as a woman (with crazy eyes and fanny pack) who sings karaoke at the same bar we do, and I believe that woman to be a Retarded Person. See my logic?
10. She loves me. I’m probably the most potentially Retarded Person I know, and you know what they say about birds of a feather. Uh, they’re usually Retarded People.